I am who I am and know what I am… or at least I used to.
That is why I must go… gotta re-discover that.
Reason stirs within me… it stirs with rhyme… or at least it was a particularly peaceful synergy until lately. There has begun an imbalance to it all and I need to figure it correctly.
As it stands, I will be going to Myrtle Beach… get a simple plain old job… seems like it may be Sam’s Club selling Cell Phones… actually maybe retail like back in the good-ol’s… granted it is a huge step down from what I do and what I have done… but it is simple… and I want to think about things while doing things simply…
You remember how that used to be? Gotta pay rent… gotta have cash for dinner… gotta make time for this and that… and NOTHING else. No dramas, no turbulence, no nothing. Stillness… a time when things were simple and I could stop and think… when I had a problem, I would handle it and face it head on.
And now? With so much responsibility and expectation… exhaustion leaves me with little time to heal internally until I melt into some bizarre passionless mess. And when problems come I put their resolution off till tomorrow… and tomorrow… Friends? I’ll just talk to them tomorrow… and tomorrow… and so on and so forth… until the sum of all my tomorrows are a year and a half of nameless, faceless, useless people. People who used to have names and mattered… people who used to have stories and mattered… people who used to love me… and now don’t.
But I am leaving…
Just a quiet little fiction for a little while, until I get my ducks in a row.
So I can sort it all out… so I can bring myself back to center… back to the moment… back to me.
Back to when I used to laugh… back to when I used to play… back when people would say things and it wasn’t mired in double-or-triple entendres… back to when people said what they meant and meant what they said…
There was a time and place when I would point things out and I would ask for things and they came to me. I got and did what I wanted… and I have been robbed of that identity.
There was a time and place where Andrade was everything he said he was. Now I am a shadow of that.
A shadow of the life in me… people see glimpses… some have been inspired by it… but it is not all me… it is a shadow of me… a sheer suggestion of me.
Imagine if I had all the potential back in me… imagine if I was the king of what I surveyed now.
Nothing, not job, not evil, nor friend or foe, not life itself would stop me… but I must humble myself.
And here it is… the great humbling of Andrade.
Problem is… when I fully recharge… would my friends recognize me? Would they be reminded of the former era of glory? Or would they be put off… for some of them know me and have known me at my peaks and my valleys… but my intention here is to rid myself of the self-doubt. The burden of being me… and the quest to find and live in no other place… but the highest peak of my life eternal.
To look into the eyes of Destiny and Serendipity and say… “Look at me! Look AT ME! Look what I have become! You put me down, you put me off, you laid obstacles for me and I overcame them… you made me a monster, a bitter self-loathing, apathetic monster and I took all your lessons and life and feelings and tears and fears and pains and sufferings and molded them… crushed them… mixed them… stirred them… and from this bitter monster… I became a man! A good man. A compassionate man. A loving man. A lover. A teacher. A student. A friend… the one all my friends deserve!”
Perhaps my friends would not, in fact, recognize me… perhaps they would be frightened at the searing potential… and the limitless life.
Sum Deus Meus et Solus Deus Me Potest Iudicare:
I am my only God and that God alone shall judge me
